We live in a society where it's often assumed that most people are straight (attracted to the opposite sex) and cisgender (their gender matches the sex they were assigned at birth). But in reality, people can have many kinds of identities around both their gender and sexual orientation. The process of exploring those identities and sharing them with others is called "coming out."
Coming out can involve many emotions — relief, excitement, fear and anxiety – to name a few. Heather Newby, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Behavioral Health Care Manager at Children's Health℠, has spent two decades supporting LGBTQ+ kids and teens. Newby shares advice for teens who want to come out and how parents can support them.
"It can take a lot of courage to show up in the world as your true self. When I need courage, I often think of the kids I've worked with and the bravery they've shown walking into school after coming out," Newby says. "They often find that courage by believing that things will be better on the other side of coming out. They can be their authentic selves and are often happier and do better in school."
What is coming out?
Coming out is the process of exploring, accepting and sharing that you are part of the LGBTQ+ community. Newby thinks about coming out in two ways: internal coming out and external coming out.
Internal coming out
Internal coming out is the process of exploring and accepting an identity in the LGBTQ+ community within yourself. Some people may align with one specific identity (i.e. gay or bisexual), while others may be exploring or questioning without wanting or being ready to define themselves by any particular identity.
"Our society is accustomed to sorting people into categories and boxes, but we don't have to," Newby says. "Instead, it can be really helpful to give space for the gray areas. When you're considering something that might be true about yourself, it is beneficial to just sit with that and take your time. It's OK to try things out and think things through before you tell other people."
External coming out
External coming out is the process of telling others — friends, family, teachers and other people in your life — that you are part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Is coming out a one-time thing?
Coming out is not a one-time thing, it's a lifelong process. People can come out at any age. There are big ways of coming out, like coming out to parents and friends. There are also small ways: at the doctor's office, at a new job, when you make new friends or join a new activity.
"Sometimes you may want to tell people, and other times it may not feel important enough or like the right place to share. That's OK too," Newby says.
What factors play into whether someone comes out?
Coming out is a deeply personal decision and everyone's experience is different.
"For some people, the thought of coming out might bring excitement, joy or a sense of relief. For others it might bring a sense of fear or dread," Newby says. "Those feelings can be impacted by where you live, who you are and your own personal experiences."
Someone may want to come out if they:
- Accept and feel confident and comfortable with their identity
- Want to be their authentic self
- Feel safe about sharing this identity with others and that their community will be supportive
- Are dating someone and want to share that with family and friends
Someone may not want to come out if they:
- Are concerned about being treated differently or judged
- Feel no need to come out
- Fear bullying
- Are afraid their family, friends or community won't accept them
- Have religious beliefs or are part of a community that has certain beliefs surrounding sexual orientation
How do you know when it's the right time to come out?
Knowing the right time and place to come out depends on your unique situation. Newby recommends thinking critically about timing and who to tell.
"I encourage kids to think about how much stress they have in their lives. Is it finals week or right before a big game? If so, it might be better to wait until after those stressful events," Newby says.
Newby also recommends coming out at a time and place where you have space for a follow-up conversation.
"We live in a world of instant gratification. Coming out does not often lead to that – which can be frustrating," Newby says. "I've had kids come out to their parents as they're getting dropped off at school. Or they come out via text. These can be hard conversations so it's helpful to leave some space for dialogue or follow-up questions."
How do I know if someone will be supportive if I come out to them?
Newby often encourages kids and teens who want to come out to make a "disclosure plan," which helps them think about who they might want to tell and when. You might also think about what kind of signals you get from a person surrounding the LGBTQ+ community.
"I encourage kids and teens to think about if they've heard someone talk about a movie, book character or something in the news that could help them gauge whether they would be supportive," Newby says. "And then we make a diagram of who might be supportive, which could include a friend, an aunt, a teacher or a LGTBQ+-friendly healthcare provider."
If you're not comfortable telling anyone in your immediate life, Newby recommends the following education and support resources:
- Trevor Project mental health support and self-care resources
- National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
- PFLAG Resources
- Human Rights Campaign
"It's possible that not everyone will respond positively or that some people may take time to come around," Newby says. "But you don't have to let those opinions direct your path in life. Know that there are supportive people out there who will have your back, even if they might be outside of your current friend or family group."
Advice for teens who are ready to come out
- Give yourself the time and space. It's important to think about the emotions that you're having every step of the way. This might mean taking time to journal, go on walks or listen to music.
- Know that it's OK to not have all the answers right away. It may take time to fully understand your identity which may change over time — and that's OK too.
- Make sure you trust the people you're coming out to. If you only wish to tell one or a few people at a time, think about whether they are people who will keep this information to themselves or might tell others.
- Think about a plan for safety or negative reactions. Know where you might be able to find support if you need it.
"If teens want to explore their identity in a safe environment, I always recommend therapy," Newby says. "It can be a comfortable space to explore the journey, talk things over and make decisions."
How can parents support their child who wants to come out?
If your child comes out to you, Newby recommends saying one thing first.
Tell them how much you love them. Most parents just want their kids to be happy, healthy and safe. When they learn their kid is gay or trans they might worry about safety issues or how it might make life harder. But starting with ‘I love you’ can truly save a child’s life.
"Tell them how much you love them," Newby says. "Most parents just want their kids to be happy, healthy and safe. When they learn their kid is gay or trans they might worry about safety issues or how it might make life harder. But starting with 'I love you' can truly save a child's life."
Parents can also:
- Educate themselves about LGBTQ+ identities, terminology and other topics using resources like The Trevor Project and PFLAG.
- Actively listen to your child and try not to judge them.
- Use the name and pronouns your child prefers and encourage others to do the same.
- Be aware that they may be at higher risk for mental health issues and be prepared to connect them to extra support.
"Parents can also try to counteract LGBTQ+ negativity if they see it," Newby says. "If you hear someone make a mean joke or a disparaging remark about an LGBTQ+ character on TV or at a family event, say something. When no one speaks up, that can be really damaging. But if you do speak up, it can help kids feel confident that they'll have the support they need."
Learn more
Children's Health mental health clinicians and psychiatrists can help children and teens boost their mental health, navigate difficult emotions and explore their identity. Learn more about programs we offer to support mental, emotional and behavioral health.
You can also access emotional care and support from the comfort of your home with Virtual Visit Behavioral Health. With a behavioral health care appointment, you can speak to a board-certified psychiatrist or licensed therapist using video technology. Learn more about Virtual Visit Behavioral Health.
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