Ashlyn’s story: It’s worth it

Ashlyn remembers feeling everything – and nothing – during her first days of being treated for an eating disorder at Children's Health℠.

“I was in a weird place of both apathy and intense fear,” she says. “I was away from school and my community. And I was scared to abandon this ‘self-improvement project’ that was destroying my body – because that’s what the adults in my life needed me to do.”

She was 11 years old and receiving care at the Center for Pediatric Eating Disorders. Now she’s 22 and working toward a career helping kids and teens facing similar challenges.

The words that changed everything

Ashlyn was dealing with anorexia nervosa, a condition where people eat very little, not enough to provide the body with enough energy and nutrients. There is no single known cause for anorexia nervosa.

“Genetics plays a big role. We often see anorexia nervosa in kids with perfectionistic traits and behaviors. Our current culture is appearance-oriented with high importance placed on being thin,” says Urszula Kelley, M.D., Pediatric Psychiatrist at Children’s Health. “Together, these factors can create a perfect storm.”

At the beginning of her treatment, Ashlyn felt like she was just going through the motions.

“I wasn’t feeling super motivated. I didn't know if I really wanted to recover,” Ashlyn says. “I had this idea that everyone else deserved to recover, but I didn’t.”

She participated in therapy and set goals. She appreciated how her therapist got to know her and built a care plan that helped her feel ownership of her recovery. And when a friend who finished the program shared her experience, it changed everything.

“She said: ‘It’s worth it,’” Ashlyn says. “It was like those words flipped a switch. I clung to them for my first few years of recovery.”

A strong conviction

Ashlyn participated in the Partial Hospitalization Program, where kids come to the hospital for care during the day and go home at night. The program includes intensive nutrition management with a focus on weight restoration and symptom control. Patients participate in individual and group therapy and learn strategies for coping with difficult feelings around food, body image and other stressors.

For example, Ashlyn distinctly remembers getting angry at the messaging on a cereal box.

“It was clearly trying to promote weight loss in a way that wasn’t helpful,” she says. “I was so upset that these messages are handed out so frivolously and normalized. When in reality, we don’t have to hate our bodies – and we don’t have to give in to these companies that are trying to profit off of people hating their bodies.”

Another thing that didn’t sit right with Ashlyn: Learning that while eating disorders affect people of all ages, genders and ethnicities, people of color are about half as likely to be diagnosed as their white peers, according to ANAD. Stigma around gender and weight can also make it harder to seek help and get the right care.

“I fit the stereotype of what eating disorders ‘look like,’ and that helped me get screening and care,” she says. “To me, it doesn’t feel right knowing that I get to recover and not everyone gets the same chance.”

After completing partial hospitalization, she transitioned into the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), which helps kids and teens continue their recovery as they transition back into school and their usual activities. And she had a new conviction and a strong sense of what would make recovery worth it for her: Helping other kids and teens with eating disorders.

Living her why

When she finished IOP, the care team helped Ashlyn get connected with her school guidance counselor – who became invaluable.

“The first year is hard because you’re transitioning out of this bubble where you’re surrounded by this supportive team, and then all of a sudden you’re back at a school where triggers are everywhere,” Ashlyn says. “I was lucky to have such a wonderful guidance counselor who really went to bat for me.”

This meant listening without judgment, helping with accommodations and even going around the school to put up posters with her for Eating Disorder Awareness Week.

Throughout high school, Ashlyn held onto her “why” and started sending care packages with notes of encouragement to kids in the Children’s Health program. And she had a big idea for her Girl Scout Gold Award, a service project requiring at least 80 hours of work and the highest honor a Girl Scout can receive.

The final product: A binder of resources – including insights from the members of the Children's Health team – for teachers and counselors in her school district, to help them identify and support kids with eating disorders.

“Kids spend a lot of their time at school, and it's very important for guidance counselors, teachers and coaches to be aware of subtle symptoms – for example, wearing baggy clothes out of season or giving away their lunch,” Dr. Kelley says.

What “worth it” looks like

Ashlyn finished high school and started college with what she calls a “perfectionistic” goal: excel at everything and go straight into a PhD program. But along the way, she changed her mind.

“I decided to take things slower, get my master’s first and focus on client care because that’s what makes me light up most,” she says. “Choosing what’s meaningful to me instead of pushing for something that might win other people’s approval felt like a big milestone in my recovery.”

Ashlyn has a philosophy: sorrow will always find you, but joy is never guaranteed — you have to choose joy. For her, that means knowing that success isn’t just about her resume. It’s about playing Dungeons and Dragons with her friends, weekend trips to see her brother and just enjoying being in her twenties.

If she could tell her 11-year-old self one thing, it’s this:

“Recovery really is worth it,” she says. “Anything you can imagine doing is possible, and you have the power to create it.”

Learn more about our Center for Pediatric Eating Disorders

The Children's Health Center for Pediatric Eating Disorders provides specialized, comprehensive and inclusive care for children and teens experiencing eating disorders. We work with each patient to understand their unique experience and create a personalized treatment to help them heal. Learn more about our program.